Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.