Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
why no one uses midhusbands
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔