Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.


[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?


“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”


“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*


Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is


Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.


I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”


In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.


I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.