Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please