@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

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@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@sofarrsogud

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

@wildethingy

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

@MisterD78UK

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

@Try2StopME

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@daydrinkindad

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

@SondraDeeMe

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.