Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’m awake but I object,
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
i hope my email finds you on fire
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?