Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.