@claire_mudie My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
@causticbob Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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@claire_mudie 
@GrowlyGrego What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
@ShutUpThatsWho [brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
@PajamaStew I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
@BobGolen Raisins are grape jerky.
@envydatropic Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
@LoveNLunchmeat Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
@prufrockluvsong [Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*