Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
You Might Also Like
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I love the National Park Service.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.