Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Hot hot hot 🥵
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.