quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
the icebreaker
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.