Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to