Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
You Might Also Like
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
lmao
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Saw online –
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.