quarantine day 3
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
How your email finds me
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie