[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.