[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.