Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Lucky old June.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.