[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me