Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.