[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
You Might Also Like
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
barbara was highly relatable
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.