[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Breaking news:
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*