Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
cats when you pet them too long:
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”