Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
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When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My love language is hissing.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
True?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.