*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.