@birbigs

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

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@OBiiieeee

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@krisv_723

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.