Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.