Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
good for her
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.