Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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My time has come.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Are you ok, human???