QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.