Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
How your email finds me
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.