Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.