Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.