Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
He’s cranky this morning
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.