QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.