Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

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Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-


COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”


“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.


If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story


INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?


I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal