Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries