quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
britain’s three elite institutions
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist