Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day