“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Pickled cat.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.