Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Single and childfree like Jesus
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…