Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.