Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Gross if literal…Liverpool
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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