Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.