quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.