Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?