[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.