*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My background check bounced.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head