*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.