[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.