@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

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@pleatedjeans

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

@DamienFahey

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

@joeyfullystated

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

@UncleDuke1969

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

@roggyie

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@English_Channel

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

@robyn_vo

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

@drewtoothpaste

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

@FailShark

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*