*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”