*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!