*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning


“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets


There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?


I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”


Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.


“What’s your name?”


“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*