Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today