Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
You Might Also Like
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed