Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.