Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Beauty and the Beast
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.