Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”