Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.