Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.